In the 2002 comedy Mr. Deeds the long time butler Emilio Lopez is consistently surprising Adam Sandler's character, Longfellow Deeds, by appearing out of nowhere. One of the more famous lines from the movie is the response of Emilio to this surprise with, "I fear you underestimate the sneakiness, sir." This underestimating of sneakiness is something that is not unique to simple minded Longfellow. Nor is it only crafty butlers that are found sneaking into places we least expect them. And it isn't always a matter of that which sneaks up on you. Sometimes, it is that which sneaks away...
Many times in the past have I quietly denied pieces of myself that make me whole. I would tell myself that the other people in my life needed to be the priority right now, or that I would be selfish to put my desires in life over someone else's desires. I would tel myself that my goals were perhaps too lofty and I needed to chase after what was practical and responsible. I had been taught that work must always be done before play and so things that made me happy needed to wait until the work got done. Problem is, when you are wife, mom, daughter, sister, co-worker, friend... work never really is done, is it? Someone needs you. Something needs cooked, cleaned or organized. Kids need to be taken over there and back to here.
Another way in which I would deny pieces of myself was in response to others. I was masterful at attempting to be what I believed I needed to be so I would feel accepted, loved and or valued by others. But over the years what I learned was that when I carved out these aspects of myself I was fundamentally aware of it. At my core, I knew I was presenting not me, but a crafted version of me. When we do this, we undermine those efforts because unconsciously we know it is not our true self being accepted, loved and valued anyway. The result is not being authentic, not being whole, and feeling the sorrow from the loss of all those pieces we carved out.
Typically, this happens subtly. Its is not an outward struggle. We do not kick and scream as the pieces get chipped away. We quietly tell ourselves that it is for the best. We tell ourselves we will make time... later. We tell ourselves we don't need to make waves or speak our inner voices. Sneakily, ever so quietly, those chips, those pieces we placed on shelves, those aspects of ourselves that we once were, take form and look us back in the eyes. It is in that moment that we say, "Whoa! What are you doing over there? And if you are there, then... who am I?" Unfortunately, when we finally take the time to look at ourselves, we seldom like the version of ourself we are left with. That is the moment we need to take action to reclaim who we are meant to be.
How do we do that? It takes work. But the work is all about you, and that is beautiful work. It involves you taking time to honor yourself. Allow yourself time to get to know yourself. Giving yourself permission to say "no" when something is not meant for you. Giving yourself permission to say "yes" when something is meant for you. Allow yourself time to breathe. Take a deep breath before you make a decision and ask yourself which it is, a yes or a no. If you really do need to put off something then have a plan for how you will make what is meant for you happen. Then honor that. Eventually, you'll find yourself standing beautifully whole. You will see all of you when you look within. You will be able to accept all of who you are. And you will love her.
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